One lesbian's view of online dating

This article is a repost of a January 27, 2008 blog by *Teri, a friend of IPHIS on MySpace.

I've had a few close friends hurt after pursueing online relationships and I was curious about online relationships and dissapointments. I wondered how many times people had met other people online only to find out that they weren't everything they'd trumped themselves up to be.

I also wondered how easy it would be to seduce another online. Do people seduce others online with no intent on following through with the advances they've made on another. Yes, there are!  Do they do this to flatter themselves or is it because they want to know what it would be like to really be, "all that," & believe it.   -or-  Do they do it for cheap amusement, trying hard to choke back the laughter everytime they've seduced someone into saying,  I think I have feelings for you? What do they do then, give themselves a pat on the back because they've mastered the art of "online seduction." Do they do it just for the attention or to feel wanted? Ofc, we all want to have good lines and there is nothing wrong with seduction as long as your not out to just make a few points. We all want to be liked for who we are but there are some who, having been given a little bit of time, study and learn to master the art of online seduction. Those who have and never had any intention on following through with their advances.

There are many different types of preditors, The news media emphasizes the dangers of Internet predators, convicted sex offenders, pedophiles, and child abductions. Despite relatively few instances of child predation and little hard data on topics such as Internet predators, journalists invariably suggest that the problem is extensive, and fail to put their stories in context.

Oh and then of course there are those who aren't quite as harmful but nonetheless are harmful preditors who just like to toy with people emotionally for God only knows why, they just do it!  These are the ones who wreck homes and basically  love to just go around wreaking havock.

A close friend of mine was hurt by an online "friendship." So, It's not just those seeking a relationship who fall victim to this type of preditor, people seeking simiple friendship have also been hurt deeply.  And ofc there are those who weren't looking for anything who have accidently found themselves in the path of an online preditor.

As for this type of preditor, if this is you, you might really want to consider the potential of harm you could cause others. It is true, there are many out there who can sustain hurt, get back on their feet, brush off the dust and move on & as for others, it may not be quite as easy.

Of course not everyone is an online preditor, there are those who set out with integrity to meet a potential partner but how many out there truly are sincere?  I  wonder what the statistics are, probably more than any of us really want to know.

So, I did some research on the subject....
 
Internet encourages transference, a classical psychoanalytic behavior. Transference is traditionally defined as a persons projection of feelings and wishes onto another. The person becomes what was imagined. On the Internet, interaction is limited to typed words. Tone, emotion, voice, appearance, and inferences are all imagined to help construct understanding. All too often, the image of the perfect mate is projected, and transferred. What appears to be the perfect soul mate is actually an illusion. To some degree, transference during online interaction cannot be avoided. After all, we are conditioned to rely on all our senses to interpret situations. When some of the input is missing, our mind fills in the blank. The key, however, is to recognize that this occurs.

Another complication of Internet dating is the use of the Internet as an escape. The Internet can become a fantastic and unreal world. Online, we are who we say we are, if only for a few hours. This escape from reality, however, makes online relationships more difficult. 

Stace, a friend of a friend, ruined a potential relationship because fantasy caused her to be dishonest. Stace met a womyn online, and the online relationship quickly blossomed into an intense, intimate encounter. She had lied in the beginning of the relationship by understating her own weight by 150 pounds. When she asked for her picture a week later, she worried about her lie, and sent a picture of a slimmer womyn instead. In her mind, however, she would come to accept her physically once she fell in love with her soul. A few weeks passed, and the relationship intensified. She arranged to fly to meet her. She felt confident that her lie would be forgiven if she confessed in person. However, the woman she met was nothing physically that she had led her to imagine. She walked away angrily and refused to speak to her again. Distraught, Stace blamed society's focus on beauty, not willing to realize that she had betrayed her by misrepresenting herself.

Jana, was hurt by a more intentional deception. For over a year, she was involved in an intense, intimate online romance with a womyn called 'Sarah.' Stating that she was worried she would lose custody of her son if her ex discovered her online addiction and homosexuality, she never disclosed her true identity. At first, this appeared normal. However, a few months into the relationship, they became exclusive, and Jana pushed to take the relationship offline. Still, 'Sarah' would not agree to disclose her identity or agree to any phone calls, or real time meetings. And while she asked for pictures of her to be sent over the Internet, she refused to send her any pictures of herself.

Online Jana made friends with a female buddy of Sarah's, and soon began divulging her concerns and insecurities to this female buddy. Fifteen months into her online love affair, she discovered that the womyn she was involved with was the same person as the female buddy. When caught, this "person" justified their behavior as a way to test Jana, and immediately disappeared altogether from the Internet. Jana, convinced that she been involved in a committed and honest relationship, suffered for months to come to terms with this betrayal. She never found out if 'Sarah' was actually a man or a woman.
 
Relationship experts say the five stagges of dating are: 
Stage one: attraction. In stage one of dating, we experience our initial attraction to a potential partner. The challenge in this first stage is to make sure you get the opportunity to express that attraction and get to know a potential partner.

Stage two: uncertainty. In stage two, we experience a shift from feeling attraction to feeling uncertain that our partner is right for us. The challenge in this stage is to recognize this uncertainty as normal and not be swayed by it. […] Without an understanding of this stage, it is too easy for a womyn to drift from one partner to another and for a womyn to make the mistake of pursuing a womyn  more than she is pursuing her.

Stage three: exclusivity. In stage three we feel a desire to date a person exclusively. We want the opportunity to give and receive love in a special relationship without competition. […] The danger in this stage is that we become too comfortable and stop doing the little things that make our partners feel special.

Stage four: intimacy. In stage four we begin to experience real intimacy. We feel relaxed to let down our guard and share ourselves more deeply than before.

Stage five: engagement. In stage five, with the certainty that we are with the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with.

Each step must be realized for both parties in order to have a complete and fulfilling relationship.
We can identify a recurring problem with online relationships. There is a tendency for rapid movement from attraction (stage one) to intimacy (stage four), skipping the uncertainty and exclusivity stages almost entirely. Here is a common comment from online lovers: "We instantly connected somehow. I feel we've known each other forever. I feel I can talk to them about anything." The illusion is that there is a solid foundation for the intimacy of a relationship. The online lovers fear that slowing the pace of the relationship will ruin the magic. However, these relationships ((((often)))) end suddenly when one partner realizes disappointment.

Denise, a friend of mine, was involved in an online romance for several months with Lisa, a womyn who lived in another state. Their relationship included lengthy and intimate phone conversations. They genuinely cared for each other, and spent time supporting one another through difficult life decisions. From their perspectives, they shared an intimate and loving relationship. When she suddenly became ill and hospitalized, I relayed messages to her, until she was able to contact her in her hospital room. They soon began discussing the possibility of living together.

Problems occurred when they met for the first time. My friend confided that the spark that they shared online no longer existed in real time. Once completely enthralled, they now easily annoyed each other. After sharing their feelings and troubles for three months, they became total strangers face-to-face. Realizing that they had crossed intimacy boundaries, it was uncomfortable to assume even a friendly relationship.

Pat, a friend of mine, was involved in an online romance for a few months with Lori. She was lead to believe that Lori was active, enjoyed the outdoors and held many of the same interests as she did. Upon meeting Lori, Pat was suprised to find out that Lori was grossly over weight, was inactive and infact, didn't like to do much other than watch TV or spend her time on the computer. They had very little in common and the romance came to a screeching halt.

Tracy, a friend of mine, shared an online romance with 'Kelly.' Kelly resided in another state 1300 miles from where Tracy lived. After six months of telephone and online conversation, Tracy was so enthralled with Kelly that she packed  her bags and boarded a bus to Missouri. Everyone was shocked. Unfortuneately within 20 minutes of Kelly picking Tracy up at the bus stop, while enroute to Tracy's home they had a disagreement. Kelly rudely demanded that Tracy exit her car on the middle of a strange neighborhood. Kelly left Tracy stranded and broke in a bad neighborhood. Tracy mentioned that she had no idea that Kelly would ever do such a thing & had she known, she wouldn't have ever boarded a bus to a city 1300 miles from home.

Of course there are success stories but it's good to know these things and remember that there are risks involved in making online dating a source of meeting potential partners.

In order to avoid such extreme disappointments, Internet relationships should be considered incomplete relationships. A person who desires to meet potential mates online must be prepared to meet and spend quality time together off line as well. After all, humans are based in real world situations. It is (( impossible)) to experience the entirety of another individual through a screen and keyboard.

Here are some other suggestions for successful online dating:

• Be safety and security conscious. Do not readily make available your name, address, phone and social security number online.
• Beware of "players." Not everyone on the Internet is honest and decent. Be cautious with your safety as well as your heart. To some people, an online romance is a game. Look for inconsistencies in what they say, or pressure for you to do something that you are uncomfortable with.
• Dishonest is not the same as anonymous. It is appropriate to remain anonymous online until you establish mutual trust. However, it is not right to be dishonest, especially regarding your marital status.
• Practice courtesy. Don't think that the anonymity of the internet allows you to be invasive. Demanding to know someone's weight, age, or sexual secrets is as rude online as it is off line.
• Realize that what you see online isn't the whole picture. There are many characteristics that make up a person. Online typing does not afford the experience of a person's temperament, work ethic, parenting skills, or bad breath. Keep everything in perspective and don't fall in love too quickly with the person you've envisioned.
• Avoid intimate online conversations until later. The sense of anonymity frees individuals to speak more frankly than they would in person. However, a relationship should progress at a comfortable pace. If you confess all your inner secrets to your new online lover, you might later regret it during your first face-to-face encounter.
• Don't make hasty commitments. "Love at first type" is romantic, but not always realistic. Take your time and do it right.
• Consider free online dating web sites. Most of these are divided into major cities or geographical areas, increasing the chance of finding the right person locally. Also, because there is more of an expectation to meet in real time, there are fewer lurkers. However, as with dating services, you must contend with candidates with less-than-noble motives. Always be aware.
• Make friends. You will certainly meet many people that aren't right for you, but they are still interesting. The Internet is a great place to make friends.
• Meet early. Once you like someone online and they like you, progress to a real time meeting. Until you hit it off on all levels, keep your options open.
• When you meet in real time (RT), play it safe. Remember that you are meeting a stranger. Opt for public places, such as a restaurant. Or consider bringing along a friend.

 The internet has its share of love and heartache. With so many people using the internet odds are against you, but you may find your mate, provided you use common sense, a lot of patience, and a willingness to take a budding online relationship into the real world.

The names were changed, and a few are stories of what happened to a few womyn I know.

- *Teri